Lily Kershaw - As It Seems

Now

   It took me 6 whole minutes to get to this page. I guess this is the best free internet can give; it's not only free, it's shared. Where or how do I begin after so long a hybernation. Let's start with what's changed.
1. I've lost a little more weight - friends cheering me, family boo-ing me    
2. I'm currently recovering from a fever - throat feels like sandpaper
3. I'm still an emotional wreck - it's ok, i'm getting used to it and have therefore hardened and prepared  myself
4. I'm driving now - I do get lost but that's what U-turns are for
5. I'm broke - if my mom reads this she'll know and will hopefully spare me the anxiety that comes with asking for money.
6. My fashion sense is undergoing a revolution - I find myself attracted to loud and feminine items now but there's still a lot of work to be done.
7. I bought 2 books yesterday using the last of my student book vouchers - It was well-spent
8. I'm actively participating in the literary world - I'm able to finish a book a week
9. I find that I'm not as stupid as I thought - a stupid person is not able to gloat with the title of highest mark in the class : )
10. I'm still working on my self-development towards being able to say no - it's harder than I thought but I'm getting there as in the post-modern world where moral ambiguity reigns it's 'everyman' for himself (after effect of this morning's novel & short stories class with Mr. Mazlan)

image from : http://www.becomingwhoyouare.net/2011/11/why-self-improvement-sucks/

So in conclusion I'm good, getting better : )

I miss this song :)

Can you glue a relationship?

This was taken at a beach in Kuantan a few years ago when we were all together

    We were having tea in the canteen of the factory where my dad works. By the way I'm spending 3 days with my dad which explains why I'm at his workplace. So we were having tea at the canteen when the nice lady who works there asked about my mom and all. My dad said my mom's working so she didn't come along but I was on holiday so he brought me. Then he said every time he goes back I grow and he never gets to see me. I felt a pang in my heart. I could see how he was trying to connect. I admit ever since he started working in Kuantan a few years ago my relationship with my dad has suffered. He only comes back on weekends and that's why none of us can make plans on weekends because they're family time. But obviously that was not enough. I wish we could talk like how I do with my mom. I wish it wasn't so hard to start a conversation. Its time to stop wishing and make it happen for I fear that once I pass this period in my life, it'll be even harder to connect with him.

Holidays, can they be over already?

one of my creations from last year

   You're buried under piles of notes, books and due dates and pray for a fast forward or skip button so you can start your holidays and be passed all this responsibility. Then the long awaited first day of your holidays arrives. Pure bliss. You never thought you would know such happiness, the pleasure of doing absolutely nothing. The next day you do the exact same thing, nothing. Then the next day, and the next day, and the next day passes and all you've done so far is nothing, nothing, and nothing. By the end one one week you feel like you've been in this state for a month. 

   Your food intake has doubled thanks to the fridge and microwave but you're physical activity has been reduced to get out of bed, go to the bathroom, pull on the fridge door and throw yourself on the couch in front of your laptop because there's never anything good on TV.
   Well, that is the unfortunate fate that has left me counting down the days to when the new semester starts. My brain is bombarding me with weird dreams of getting thrown out of university for returning my keys late. I'm getting restless in this prison I call home. My skin is pale from lack of sunlight and my eyes squint with pain every time someone turns the lights on after I turn them off for the gazillionth time. Yes, I have turned into a vampire, but a very unattractive one. 

   So I finally decided to go out on on Friday. Mitra (elder sister) and I went to a bookstore that was having a clearance sale because they were relocating, 90% off so naturally we went crazy, mostly me. 10 minutes into surveying I realized that they have already relocated all their good books and left me with all the dusty old ones. Oh well, since we're here... So I ended up spending RM54 on 8 books and I'm extremely proud of myself for that. I've started on one and so far so good. I hope it'll help me in my drought of inspiration so I can write or sketch something because God knows I need to.

Story of Stuff, Full Version; How Things Work, About Stuff

This song makes me float :)

And the biggest loser is...

    I knew it wouldn't last forever. All good things must come to an end, it's just the law of the universe. I was briefly swept away to the land of no worries and absolute bliss. Sooner or later reality catches up. Is it better to wait for the other shoe to drop? At least then you wouldn't be disappointed. How foolish I was to think that I was not the biggest loser in the world. Now I realize I need a medal for that so I can hang it around my neck so that I'll never forget my insignificant role in this world. 

Somebody That I Used to Know - Walk off the Earth (Gotye - Cover)

SPEAK!

image from kelseydrake33.blogspot.com

Say something will you? Why are you so quiet? What are you thinking about? How am I even supposed to have a decent conversation with you if you won't say anything, let alone anything decent? What are you a mute? Don't you have anything to say? Anything at all?

No.

No?

No, I don't have anything to say. And I find that if I have don't have anything to say it's best I shut up. My mind only seems to speak the language of thoughts, not people. I can have hours and hours of conversations with myself in my head but can't seem to have the ability nor the will to keep up a conversation with an actual person. The world is just too dull a place for me to keep my attention in. That is why I prefer to wander in my thoughts. There no one judges me for what I say, no one even expects me to pay attention to whatever sound they're producing and pathetically wait for my brilliant reply. Why is it that I have to speak at all? Why should I when the right words refuse to come out of my mouth? They all just patiently wait to be written and they don't mind. I used to not mind too. But now I do, now that the course of my life depends on them. Words, why do you always fail me? But is it really the words? Or is it the thoughts that refuse to form in the first place. If I really thought about what I have to say then all I have to do is say it, right? I guess I don't think about what to say because I don't feel there's a need to. I don't feel anything. Is there something wrong with me if I don't feel anything? I don't feel the urgency in a situation when my relationship with someone depends on the pathetic little sounds that come out of my mouth. I can't call that speech because I don't think the other party really understands what I'm helplessly trying to convey. I used to wish that I had teleportation as my superpower, and I'd wish that if I only had one wish. Now I wish I could just teleport people into my thoughts so they would truly understand what I'm trying to say.