Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Remember me

image from eggiejiayeen.blogspot.com
I can't stop thinking about what happened. Something temporarily distracts me but my mind wanders back to the same spot and I can't help feeling more helpless than ever. I keep replaying it over and over in my head. I know it's not her fault, maybe it's mine. Maybe I was wrong to look out for her, wrong to want her to stick around longer. I keep wanting to apologize but I can't bring myself to face her. Maybe it was just sundowning, maybe she already forgot, like how she forgets to close the sugar container after she's done or how she forgets where she hides her money, or how she forgets the faces of those near and dear to her. Maybe I'm just making a big deal out it. But what if she remembers? What if she remembers how I made her feel? What if she remembers she resents me? I have never made her mad before, never made her want to hit me, would she ever forgive me if she remembered? You know what the worst part of all this is? The fact that the worse is yet to come. Alzheimer's is a degenerative sickness. The day will come where she will forget me completely. I'd rather have her remember that she's mad at me than fade from her memory forever.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

In memory...


Today was a cleaning day as most weekends are. The little sister cleaned the window frames and I had to wipe the windows. My mom was doing it at first but then I saw her exhausted face and felt sorry, that and I also felt that she felt disappointed in us for not helping her more so I went outside to help but instead got promoted to senior window wiper which meant I ended up doing it alone instead of just helping her do it. I instantly regretted offering my help. Anyway I was busy cleaning and then I noticed some cat fur on the window that I was wiping. Seeing the colour of the fur I instantly recognized it. It was Kitty's. She was our's. We wouldn't let her in the house 'cause we all had sinus and I had allergies so she would sometimes jump up on the window sill and make this pathetic innocent face and meow in her smallest cutest little voice trying to get us to notice her and eventually let her in. She would spend a lot of time there sometimes even falling asleep right there on the window sill and we'd take pictures of her. When my laptop broke down I lost all her pictures (I had a lot). These were in my phone.
    She was the laziest cat in the history of pets. All she did was sleep, all day long, rain or shine. When it rained she'd curl herself up in the laundry baskets we left outside and when it was nice and sunny she'd go and sleep in the shade under the clothes left to dry outside. I never understood why she did it. Why she'd go and sleep in the shade of the clothes when there's already enough shade on the patio God knows. She had this crazy obsession with the laundry.
see what I mean
You know how old people don't like to eat unless you accompany them? Or maybe that's just my grandma. Well, Kitty was pretty old for a cat, 7/8 years old I think and she would never finish her food unless you accompanied her. I think she was senile too 'cause sometimes when we gave her food she'd just sniff it and walk away. Then I'd have to bring her back and try to feed her with my hand and convince her that it is food. Then she'd start eating. Other times she was just plain fussy. Sometimes the stores would run out of the cat biscuit flavour she liked and we'd have to get her a different flavour. You should see her face when she sniffs it. I could hear her saying "Eiw! You expect me to eat this crap? I'm not just some starving stray who'd eat anything you know". She would eventually eat it when she was starved though. After she ate she would have this cleaning-grooming routine and it was a long one. She spent most her time sleeping and the rest grooming, boy that cat was clean. She would lick her fur so often that she was choking on hairballs all the time.
It was ironic that she hated baths being so obsessive compulsive and all. Another thing she hated was my mother. Whenever my mom saw Kitty she'd grab her and squeeze the hell outta her warning her not to pee all over the yard and naturally Kitty would struggle to break free and occasionally scratch my mom in the process, then my mom would get mad and tighten her grip and Kitty would let out the most angry cries. I think she was cursing or something at my mom, "Oh you wait till I break loose, I'll pee all over your damn yard and invite all my friends to do the same!"
I think she did sometimes. She was very popular around our neighbourhood. Everyone seemed to know her and all the male cats were constantly chasing her and you could see her play hard to get. I think she did like this one cat we call jingles because of the bell around his neck. He was the most shameless cat I have ever seen, the only cat who wouldn't budge when you tried to shoo him with a hanger and the only cat that has slapped me with both paws for trying to get him off my property. I guessed she liked bad boys. Here's a shot of Kitty and Jingles deep in conversation.
After my cousin came to stay with us Kitty didn't come to our house anymore. I guess she didn't like him much, neither do I anyway. A few days passed and we figured my cousin probably did something to offend her or something and she didn't want to come to our house anymore. We didn't worry much 'cause if she didn't eat at our house she'd go eat at someone else's house, cats know no loyalty. But the days kept passing by and still no sign of Kitty. I heard that cats go away to die and I think that's what happened. I just wish I knew so I could say goodbye. She wouldn't have known the difference anyway, I talked to her all the time bout all kinds of stuff and all I'd get in reply was a long yawn. What do you expect when you talk to cat anyway right? I guess I just wanted to hold her one last time, she was very nice to hug being all fat and clean and all. I never thought I'd be one of these crazy cat lover people who make long boring posts about their cats but I think Kitty was a cat worth remembering. She's truly irreplaceable. I love her and I miss her. Goodbye Kitty, I hope you're in a good place...





Friday, August 26, 2011

Don't be scared little girl

image from dearinspirationblog.blogspot.com
Looking at this picture I recall my childhood which seems so faraway now. I can barely remember anything. All I get are thoughts thought then and brief blurry flashes of images (I think I made up or imagined most). Youth is wasted on the young. What I'd give to relive that period. If I did things differently then would I be here right now? Would I be me right now? If only I could go back and tell myself not to be scared and that it's ok if you say no. I'd tell that shy little girl to be a bit braver, every bit counts. I'd tell her not to listen or to even care what those other stuck up kids say or do, she doesn't have to be one of them. I'd tell her don't worry too much about your future, I've seen twenty-year-old you and she's just fine. I'd tell her you might not get a horse now, maybe someday when you're able to take care of one you can buy one. It's not stupid if you want to be a painter, twenty-year-old you still wants to be one. Be true to yourself and don't let others force you to be otherwise. You're ok. You'll be ok.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Blurred

image from Toni Frissell
Floating in between my many dreams and my mundane life
it gets confusing sometimes
when you wake up convinced you're a princess of some faraway magical land
only to find out you're a nobody stripped of all power
hands and feet chained by obligations and responsibilities
with only an amplifying wonderlust to keep me company
it gets very confusing 
when you purposely blur the barriers of your reality
boredom can kill
for it is out of boredom an idiot does something idiotic to fill his time
and ends up dead.